I hate that I only write to this blog when my heart is breaking. I’ve got another blogs, a good blog, that I write to almost every day, but this is the one that gets all my angst. I suppose it’s good that I haven’t written here in a while, but, here I am.
Oh dear lord. Am I really here again? Or is it a totally different “here”, with misleading trappings of a past and painful “here”?
All the things I’ve thought before: things are going really well; I genuinely love this man; I’m going to let my guard down.
The things I’ve heard before: “you’re smart, you’re funny, I just don’t want to go out with you anymore”; “I can’t put my finger on it, but something’s missing“.
The last time I thought those things and was told those things was over a year ago. That man knocked me for a loop: caught me totally off guard and dumped me without warning. I went down for a couple of weeks, which surprised me – I’d let myself fall for the man, yes, but he wasn’t all that. I knew it; I knew I’d settled – maybe a whiff of that dishonesty was part and parcel of why he left.
This current time as I’ve been thinking those things and have been told those things makes the last time pale in comparison. It’s been almost a year we’ve been together, for one thing – a year of intentional, on purpose, spending time and getting to know this man with an anticipated end game of happily ever after. I thought he was on board with that, he sure has been showing up like he was on board with that.
But last weekend we went to look at townhouses for Co-Habitation 2011. We’d talked about it, we’d crunched the numbers, we’d professed desire to consolidate, come together, integrate. But last night we weren’t talking about anything, he was talking about how he thinks I’m great, that we get along really well, but that “something’s missing“.
So, here I am, back at my own house, considering. Considering how I hate to get hurt. Considering the previous man and that first conversation where “something was missing” and that last conversation where he lowered the boom. Considering how much I’d like to avoid the boom. Considering that this man is not that man. Considering he’s probably just scared and might calm down soon. Considering that if what I’ve been feeling and thought he was feeling has been a misconception then I don’t think I can trust my judgment in love at all.
I do know I want a man for the long haul. I do know that if this man doesn’t want someone for the long haul then he’s disqualified to be with me, no matter how smart, funny, warm, compassionate or good looking either of us might be. I don’t want to dither on for another year living separately and staying over on the weekends. A long term, integrated, intimate relationship. That’s what I want. Without it, I’ve identified for myself, there is indeed “something missing.”
December 7, 2010 at 10:24 pm |
Aww, that really sucks. I’m sorry to hear you are having a tough time. It seems to me, though, that you weren’t entirely there either. So what happens if he changes his mind? Are you sure you want to settle? Hard decisions we have to make in choosing a life partner. I do not intent to pass judgment, because you are the only one that has to live with your decisions. Best of luck.