I’d like to take a moment and reflect on yesterday. Yesterday when I was gorgeous. Cat calls, I’m telling you. Waiters fawning over me. Men stuttering and stammering. Yesterday would have been a great day to run into my ex-boyfriend from college.
And yet, today was the day I ran into my ex-boyfriend from college. My first boyfriend. The guy who broke my heart. Twice, as I remember it. We dated for a few months, I tossed him my virginity like a medieval hankie and he dumped me forthwith. Sophomore year he wooed me back, though, and we were together all the way through my senior year and on to our first grown up jobs – me at the National Gallery of Art and he as a chef at the Watergate. It was love love love, except for then he dumped me again.
I’ve had a lot of questions for him over the years. It’s been eighteen years, actually, and every daydream I’ve had about running into him has featured me lookin’ fine like I did yesterday. Not in one single daydream, not in eighteen years, did I picture myself wearing an orange baseball cap, a paint splattered Tshirt, and Keds. Nor did I ever imagine I’d be holding a sub sandwich. This was, by far, worse than anything I could have fathomed. It was awful. I’ve been crying all day, just mortified by the whole thing. They say living well is the best revenge. I’d concur, but if all you’ve got is five minutes in a deli, looking good would be a far better tactic.
I gave him my card. I’d be equally happy if he called or if I never heard from him. I would, of course, like the chance to display a bathed and shaved version of myself. And I am curious to get his take on stuff that was going on with me when we were in college, memories I’m vague on that might be important in explaining some choices I’ve made since then. I’d like to know how his parents are. I don’t see myself going to that deli again, though, no no no. I can’t believe after all the years I’ve googled him and fantasized about running into him that this was it. That was my moment?
This week has been a real maelstrom of emotions. Seeing the first ex-boyfriend, all the ongoing divorce and ex-husband stuff, it’s a kind of bizarre time warp. Equal intensity of emotion, two different men, two different decades all colliding at once. I spent the afternoon down by the river, staring at the water and soaking up the sun. I’m feeling really overwhelmed.
Tags: confusion, heartache, memories, regret, sandwiches, tears
