Overcast and drizzly all day. Yuck. Could be in store for a lot more of this rot, tomorrow is the first day of April. Lots of great stuff blooming with stunning days of warmth and hope punctuated by crappy days like today.
I had oats for breakfast, brown rice for lunch, polenta for dinner and a whole grain waffle for dessert. That there’s alot of grains. Not sure what that’s all about, but there you have it.
I have got to find a way to install a governor on my self esteem. Yesterday I was on top of the world. I had put some money in the bank and was rife with positive self affirmations. I started reading “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay and was well on my way to letting go of past angst and changing my thoughts to build a fantastic future. Today was cloudy, but I was chanting my affirming mantra and excited about interviews with three potential clients. Two sessions were inconclusive, one was a no show. Kablammy, crash down and return to pond scum self assessment.
Now, back on planet earth I just closed the best month I’ve had to date. Here in the la la land between my ears I think I’m moments from destitute because today didn’t go as succinctly as I’d hoped. It’s a wild ride, here on my emotional rollercoaster. Not for the faint of heart. Even as I try to cheer myself with the incredible accomplishments of the ending month my inner critic tries to tear it apart by belittling and minimizing it all. Luckily I’m getting much better at telling that voice to shut the fuck up. It’s clever, though, and while smarting from my reprimand the voice will quietly concede that yes, last month was awesome, and then under its breath will suggest that next month isn’t shaping up to be nearly as good. Damn voice! Here’s what I do know: that voice can only speak about the past and the future. I, by default if not good sense, live in the present. And presently, everything is fine. I’m fed, I’m sheltered, I’m clothed, I even have reliable transportation and money in the bank. Even more compelling, there are people in this world who I genuinely love.
In the interest of bolstering the list of amazing things that have happened, I’d like to report that I’ve interfaced with my ex-husband numerous times over the last few days and have cried not once. We’ve talked on the phone about taxes and Ipods, I’ve seen him in person – at what was until recently our home, no less – and exchanged emails and I’ve not lost my mind once. It feels positive, to have our relationship settling into whatever this stage is. Not angry, not bereft, not shut down. The aforementioned voice would like to add that all this could change – that I’ve been emotionally devastated before and I might get all torn up again. True to the former and plausible to the latter. But for the present, I’m calm, comfortable and content. Take that, you petty, meddling, misery-monger voice.
Lunch was brown rice with golden raisins and slivered almonds, black beans with fresh ginger, broccoli with rice wine vinegar and baby carrots. Yum!
Dinner was a bowl of “I really want a burger and fries” polenta, a bartlett pear, and a consolation “I wish I had a burger and fries” waffle. This is what happens when it’s damp and drizzling all day and my 6:30 client details a recent trip to Five Guys. You just know I’m getting me a nasty ole burger and fries sometime soon.
Tags: brown rice, dinner, divorce, food, inner voice from hell, lunch, polenta
