Feeling much better today. Actually talked to my ex-husband about our utterly dreadful tax situation. We had a good awkward chuckle about the mess. He owes only hundreds to my thousands, but oddly his number seems worse than mine. I think it’s because my number is so huge it’s lost its meaning. His is less, but it’s within the realm of feasibility and still a whole lot of money.
The extraordinary news for today is that I signed on two new clients. Looks like I’m going to be able to pay my bills for yet another month (tax bill notwithstanding). What’s interesting about it is my hesitancy to share that things are looking good. It’s fascinating, from a “hey, aren’t I a piece of work?” standpoint, to wonder why I’m so reluctant to share when things are going well. It’s easy to go on and on when things are going bad, but I really clam up and even feel a little panicky/threatened sharing that things are good. It could be I’m clinging to an old habit – a dynamic based in family of origin crap where I only got attention when I was hurt, sick or really traumatized. To have everything a-ok meant no one noticed me. Except for when I was chastised or mocked for being carefree/less. I really hate that at 39 I’m still so deeply effected by my childhood, but I guess I’m not alone in that.
Another facet could be that I think that good things aren’t funny. Clear to see the connection to the need for attention here, but who’s gonna want to read my blog, hear me speak, read my book, if everything’s going well? Angst is funny. Strife is interesting. Self deprecation is humorous! I want you to know I really struggle with this. I truly think I want to be happy, but I can’t shake the fear that being happy means you’re not entertaining and no one will pay attention to you. That’s my big internal work these days – trying to shift that belief. Everything I’m doing these days is about pursuing happiness – getting out of a lackluster marriage, starting my own business doing work I love, going for walks by the river, eating high quality food – so much change to embrace a goal I see as very risky: being happy. I think it speaks pretty highly of a power greater than myself that I can go all out to pursue a goal I’m so unsure of. Speaks of faith, of trusting that the old behaviors and beliefs will shift and expand just in the nick of time. I do suspect that I’m going to be comfortable being happy really soon.
Lunch today was refried black beans, avocado, baked blue corn chips, an apple, blackberries and cacao nibs.
Dinner was a bunch of kale with umeboshi vinegar and gomasio, and the last of the gnocchi with butter (served, interestingly enough, in what ten years ago I dubbed my “happy bowl”). I had peppermint tea and some more of the Ben and Jerry’s Pistachio, too. It’s currently about an hour earlier than I usually write this, I’m so excited to be going to bed early tonight. I’m thrilled to report that my two new clients are daytime, meaning that very, very soon, I won’t be working evenings anymore, and early to bed can become a regular habit. I do love to sleep. Hoorah!
Tags: gnocchi, growth, happiness, kale, money, perspective, pistachio
